An Open Prayer for the Survival of Priceless Semen

Onward Christian Surgeon

Dear God:

Despite my frequent (and exceedingly valid) criticisms of the culture of American Sport, as you well know I continue to enjoy the occasional professional football game, celebrate the individual athleticism of NBA basketball and back the illustrious team of my youth, the New York Yankees.

As a result of this inexplicable allegiance to that which I often denounce, I regularly tune in to the ESPN network’s broadcasts of “Pardon the Interruption” and “Sportscenter”. Yesterday, while watching the latter, I was encouraged to hear that the health of Kentucky Derby winner, Barbaro, seems to be improving at a rate expected neither by his physicians nor the general public. Barbaro is back on his hoofs(!), God, and I can’t thank You enough for allowing this mighty steed to buck the odds, as it were, and speed toward recovery. Truly, the numerous candle-lit prayer vigils have convinced You, in all Your infinite wisdom, to watch over Barbaro and see to it that his obscenely wealthy owner does not lose the potential millions that he stands to gain once he begins auctioning Barbaro’s sperm to the highest bidder.

How else, Lord, can one explain the extravagant, round-the-clock medical care that Barbaro has received since he first injured himself some three months ago. Although approximately 46 million Americans, or 15.7 percent of the population, are without health insurance, Barbaro underwent a costly surgical procedure as soon as it was made available.

Soon, even the non-sports networks were providing updates about Barbaro’s condition and viewers were treated to images of countless well-wishers signing get well cards, singing, joining hands, and hoping for the best. Only Your unseen hand could have delivered Barbaro from death, sparing his owner the financial setback from which he would have, undoubtedly, immediately bounced back given the elaborate insurance policy that he had taken out on the life of the horse.

Yet, God, you just won’t allow Barbaro to go gently into that good, equestrian night. Despite all odds, it looks as if he’ll pull through and fulfill his destiny as a valuable and highly desirable stud. I’m sure if Barbaro could speak, along the lines of say, Mr. Ed, he would praise your name prior to every premium ejaculation. But he can’t, Lord, so I must take it upon myself to sing Your praises.

Your Faithful Servant,

ACT