Go To Hell, Andy Rooney

Andy Rooney: You're Still A Negro To Him


Television makes me angry.

These days, whenever the TV is on in my house, it's tuned in to Spongebob Squarepants or the surprisingly cool Backyardigans. Every now and again, however, I'm able to secretly escape the ghetto of children's programming and watch something (supposedly) for adults. Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I was able to watch three shows in their entirety - each of which made me angrier than the program that proceeded it.

The first program was aired on PBS. Usually, public television is a pretty safe bet. I decided to watch American Experience. This installment featured the despicable exploits of one Walter Freeman, the man who popularized the lobotomy. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't surprised at the horrific progression of events that lead a psychiatrist with no surgical training to become a celebrated butcher who routinely destroyed people's brains with a pair of ice picks. I was mortified by the none-too-subtle attempt, on the part of the narrator, to paint this man as a tragic hero. Apparently, although Freeman mutilated thousands of people, including children as young as four years old, and was kind enough to leave a (PLEASE don't access the following link if you do not wish to see disturbing evidence of Freeman's atrocities) photographic record of his crimes against humanity, his is a story of a decent man gone mad with power. As always, when biographers pull this kind of shit, I can't help but wonder if Freeman would get the kid gloves treatment if (here it comes) he were a black man. I'm sorry to have to say it but the only white man in history who seems to be off of white folks' redemption radar is Hitler (and even he has his sympathizers.)

The second program that pissed me off was none other than Real Time With Bill Maher. A bit of disclosure here: I can't stand Bill Maher. First, every single time I see his smug, self-satified, self-righteous face I imagine myself pushing my fist into it. Second, I can't get beyond the time I saw him shamelessly defile himself by flirting on-air with the disgusting, dude-faced Ann Coulter. Third, I can't appreciate the way he shits on people's faith. Only a true asshole would speak so dismissively, so often, of what other people hold dear. Finally, I'm convinced that he, and folks like him, are infinitely more comfortable casting aspersions at the clown currently residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue than they are addressing legitimate social injustice. At any rate, his guests were some random conservative, some self-avowed redneck and DL Hughley. The only times I could manage to distract myself from thoughts of pulling Maher's brain out through his nose were when the always entertaining Dan Savage showed up, and when the redneck, in response to the topic of beef cloning uttered, "When did cows stop fucking?"

Last and least was last night's 60 Minutes. Overall, it was a pretty good show. Of course, for dessert, the producers have tirelessly exhibited the need to serve up a heaping portion of shit pie by giving Andy Rooney undeserved airtime. If you think Flavor Flav is the worst thing on television, you get an 'F.' Among other things, I learned that Andy's family had a live-in maid during the Great Depression and Andy's not terribly worried about an economic downturn. According to him, "I don't know much about economics, but I don't believe we're in a recession, or a depression, whatever the difference is."

If any of you can name me ONE SINGLE INDIVIDUAL on the face of God's Green Earth who gets paid more for doing less, I'll forsake Obama and vote for you when the primaries come to Texas.