Thursday, July 02, 2009

Worse Than The Worst Thing You've Ever Seen

"Turl-bull." -Charles Barkley

I know it’s been a long time, and I doubt that I still have enough equity with anyone who used to visit this blog to ask a favor, but I need you to do something for me. Think of the absolute worst movie you’ve ever seen in your life. Envision it. Do your best to bring that stinking, steaming pile of crap to life in your mind’s eye. Picture the terrible scene transitions, the awkward dialogue and the gratuitous explosions. Think of the pointlessness of the entire project. Can you see it? Good. Now imagine, if you can, a movie that makes that look like Citizen Kane. That movie has a name: Vegas Vampires. Vegas Vampires is so indescribably awful that everyone involved (yes, that includes you Tiny Lister as well as Danny Baldwin and that one cat from Onyx) should be visited in the middle of the night by some sort of biblical plague. There is a bottom, my friends, and Fred Williamson has found it and attempted to share it with the world.
Blaxplanation Disclaimer: Those of you who watch movies ironically, simply because they are epically bad, might have to cast "Plan 9 from Outer Space" aside and make room for a new champion. I'm not kidding.


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